A Minor Resurrection

I've gotten my strength back to almost 90%.
I have more energy than I've had in years.
There aren't any problems with my guts so far...
The "so far" is part of my glass half empty mentality.
Soon, I will venture out connecting with people again.
Shoprite is the high light of my life. Food shopping?
Yes! A social experience you have anonymously with folks.
Young and Old, we all food shop, daytime,or night time.
Out in the real world it is much more stressful.
Once I get in the social scene, I'll feel better about life.
Usually I'd hit the coffee shop scene, then a bite to eat.
Ultimately trying to find a woman to put up with me!
I'm on my way to being a fully functioning human.
I wonder how long it'll take me to get there.

An honest reflection on my life

SO, Now that I'm over the bleeding thing..
I am into the recuperative mode.
I haven't returned to work.
I'm still not capable of doing anything for 8hrs straight.
My stamina is gone.
My muscle tone has diminished.
It happened so fast.
I'd like to go back to work. I just don't have the strength.
I'm trying to balance recuperation and building my body back up.
It's quite a slow process.
The saving grace of all this is the side show now unfolding .
The Presidential Race!!
What a show.
At this time it's degraded into muckraking and name calling.
Both sides either lie or avoid the truth by omitting some facts.
A wonderful system of webs they weave.
In an to attempt to sway simple minded voters.
I find it amusing, frustrating and depressing, all at once.
The financial market is in shambles.
Our society is hanging on to the last vestiges of a consumer driven economy.
The Mercedes Benz advertisement for the C63... $85,000.
Now, don't you think that we've had enough excess in our lives?
Just a thought.
so, back to me.
I spend my time reflecting on my life.
I had fun, had lots of pain and disappointments. As all of you have, had and will have.
I'll never be rich, never visit another continent.
Most of these, I never wanted to do!
Sick and thinking!
The problem is that my Iron levels were way low.
Since I lost so much blood, my blood count was low.
My B-12 levels... oh, you get the point!!
I went to my new Doctor, who said I have to eat liver (NO!! no!!)
That was out. next!
She said eat red meat, take iron tablets and eat salads.
I'm doing that.
Went to the Doc again today after having a blood test two days ago.
Iron level 60% of normal.. Good progress? yes. from what it was.
B-12 levels were ok too, if not a little high.
I do, however, take injections for that, so I'm cheating!
Blood count? forgot what she said. oh well... .
so, my life consists of:
going to doctor visits.
going to the food/drug store.
going for short spirited bursts of lively driving in a sports car... while in transit to the above places.
I now have the time to read ALL the news on the internet.
Follow the Downward spiral of the Stock Exchange.
Watch More Television than any normal person should.
Oh, and feel, see, and do NOTHING! absolutely nothing important.
I sit, sleep, eat, and feel the pain of every bit of food as it passes through my bad guts.
not an enjoyable experience.
I forgot...
went to the Gastrointestinal Doc too.
He said I have to think of trying a different medication.
One that blocks your immune system.
A wonderful thought!
This kind of drug helps you get Opportunistic infections.
A heartwarming thing.
T.B. as in Tuberculosis. Pneumonia. Lymphoma.
all of the good diseases.
I'm guessing that if he mentioned this drug it means that I'm on the short list of options.
Another positive in my road to recovery.

Bleeding Out

Sunday night 9-8-08
I went to sleep.
Monday 3:30am I awoke with a strong urge to poop
(technical term for Bowel Movement)
SO? What do I do?
I pooped.
I looked at it.
(since everyone does, yet no one admits to it!)
It looked like a lot of blood.
Ok, so... I just blew a gasket
(technical term for bleeding.. somewhere inside)
Well, I do have Crohn's disease so maybe I just blew out a small vein.
No matter.
Went back to bed. Guts were rumbling something fierce!
I had to go again!!
Went, looked, more blood!
I got nervous. (understandably)
Back to bed, dry mouth, not feeling all that good.
Got up to get a sip of juice and could barely stand.
I thought I was going to faint.
I went back in the bathroom for round three.
Same results!
Needless to say I called an ambulance
in the Emergency Room within 10 min.
I'm not sure they believed me when I told them what I'd just experienced
until... they did some routine checks.
Blood pressure was 80/60 ! (normal 130/80 +/- 5%)
Hemoglobin: 10.3 (normal for adult males 17.0)
The staff became concerned. (me too!)
I started feeling worse and all they did was put an I.V. port in each arm.
NO, they didn't hook it to a bag of Saline. Just the ports! (I felt left out)
BP after 20 min. 70/50
They started a saline RUN! not a drip, RUN!
Then they started another in the other arm. Also running full open.
BP check. 65/47 (I was doubly concerned at this point)
I started to shake/shiver and feel cold, even with two oven heated blankets on.
Thoughts passed through my head about not tying up lose ends at home.
Who should I call. Can I call anyone with my hands shaking like this?
I remember hearing about people dying from 'bleeding out' They shake, then die.
After the two I.V. bottles were empty, Two more were put up, full speed!
I started feeling better.
When the bottles were done they checked my hemoglobin. 7.3 (again,norm: 17.0)
BP 80/60.
I beat it. I'm gonna live!
My first though when I got up?
go outside and have a cigarette.
I did.
It was glorious.
I came back,
Shuffled over to get a CT scan
CT scan showed nothing.
Admitted, poked, prodded, tested. Again and again and again.
Wednesday 9:00am. Colonoscopy.
Results. Internal Hemorrhoids. cut, tied, snipped.
Wednesday 2:00pm.
Released from the Hospital.
Having a near death experience was kind of cool.

It's been a almost four days since my critical health experience.
I can't believe I made it.
I don't understand why I lived.
I'd like to know why some live and some die.
I did not complete my mission here?
Am I destined to affect someones life?
Did I do something so horribly wrong that I have to stay in this world?

I have no answer

On the Road Again

I wrote the other day about having a reprieve.
Well, I now have had an epiphany.
I needed to get out, get busy, get a thrill.
Since I feel well enough to finally motorcycle again.. after two weeks of agony.
NOT motorcycling due to gut pain, did pain me in other ways.
Today I got up the nerve to get on my Ducati and rip up the road.
The inspiration was MotoGp racing on TV. As well as AMA Superbike Racing.
I've never been one to turn down a challenge!
People have told me that after a certain age you are supposed to stop certain activities.
Well, I've never listened.
I had a great hour or so on the 999 and thoroughly thrilled myself.
I've still got the knack to use a motorcycle to near it's limit.
On another subject:
I'm still aching and having pretty intense pains in the abdomen.
I'll deal with it as needed.
about a week ago, I was ready to admit myself to the hospital.
Today, I'm going back to work and probably going to do a great job.
Until I get sick again.
Whenever that may be.
Pretty soon I'll be on vacation again.
This time I hope I'll be well enough to have real fun.
I'm from New Jersey. Isn't "on the road" part of our genetic make up?

a short reprieve

My last blog was a matter of fact, clinical, quite cold and depressing bunch of words.
I'd like to reflect on that.
I can't say I'm doing any better concerning the Crohn's Disease.
Other than taking a large amount of steroids and numerous other meds to stave off the effects of this 'flare up'.

I wonder why they call it a flare up?

Oh well,
I went for 7 days without solid food.
Jello, juice, tea, coffee, soda.
and I did cheat and drank some Ensure.
I did need something to keep me going!
I was on vacation for the duration. What a wonderful way to take a vacation!
Sick!
Sick has its benefits.
It gives me some down time to reflect on my life.
Things that need attention.
Loose ends that I never get around to tying up.
People that I've regained some connection with.
Due to the illness, my life had to slow down, until I recouperate.
I'm still mentoring people that I feel need and want my input.
This, by far, gives me the most satisfaction.
a feeling that I've made an impact in someones life, possibly allowing them to achieve their full potential.
Me.. however.. well, I've never reached my full potential.
I've been doing the minimum for most of my life.
Sure, most of my co-workers and friends say that I do too much, put out too much energy and try too hard to do the right thing,, the noble, caring thing.
I KNOW I can do better.
I always did know I can surpass the standards I've set.
It has nothing to do with comparing myself to others.
No one knows what makes people act the way they do, or what motivates them.
I can't even guess.
I do wonder, as I observe how they interact with others.
I only know how I see myself and how I connect in this world.
Sometimes it's woefully inadequate.
Sometimes brilliant..
If I must say so myself :)

Sickness and Death

I've had Crohn's disease for 40+ years.
When I first got it, I asked for it to go away.
With meds and careful eating habits, it did go away, for a short time.
Then, I denied having it. I went back to my old ways of eating 'real people' food.
I really didn't have the mental toughness to stick with the regiment required to keep this disease in check.
I was only 16! I had already had it for two years. I thought nothing of getting sick, then being "good", then back and forth until...
The bottom fell out.
I was admitted to the hospital.
Bad pains, bloated gut, nausea and fever. My first experience of not being in control of my own life, my own destiny.
I wasn't even in control of my bowels!!
So, the treatment for Crohn's disease is:
I.V. Fluids, high doses of steroids, antibiotics, NO FOOD, NO DRINK, NOTHING BY MOUTH. and of course, the best thing, pain meds.
So, I spent two weeks in a torturous hospital room with three other patients.
One older gent was crapping green and yellow. He didn't last long.
I don't know what the other guy had, but the brought him out a few days later.
The guy right next to me.. a blue collar , ordinary man, couldn't understand why he had to lay down..... AND pee!
He had a bad back and was in traction. Hence the always laying down order.
Since he couldn't pee lying down.. they put in a catheter.
A truly enlightening experience for a 16 yr old.
wonderful screams, horrible implements, and a confused ordinary man being tortured for his own good.
That is quite enough about Me, Crohn's and the hospital.... for now.
next blog.. soon, very soon.

its been a long time

I was lost in a maze of internet pages and forgot all about this blogger acct.
Well, Google took over this thing and sent me an email so.. I'm back!
Lots of things happened, some good, some not so good.
I lost a LOT of money in the stock market last year..
I was a Good thing I lost it last year!
This year was even worse.
I got out of day trading just in time to watch others lose their fortune in a market made for speculators.
I am back at my regular job,
except I can't run and jump like I used to..
then again....
I'm over 50! how much should I be able to do anyway!
I lost my other cat to cancer not 4 months after 'fatso'.
They lived together since they were kittens.
I think 'nosey' was just heart broken.. so was I. :(
I have not gotten any pets since.
I find it liberating to not have to come home to feed and visit a pet that may or may not even know me..
they just know I feed them and I'm the only warm body that goes there.
I do, however, miss the greetings that pets give you,
as well as the unconditional acceptance that humans rarely if ever give.
I have a pretty common digestive disorder that sometimes causes people to die. Mostly, you just live in bouts of flare ups and remissions until you die of something else.
I'm in a 'flare up' now.
I've had 10 surgeries so far.
I'm running out of guts for them to take out.
When I do run out. it's over.
Not 'over' like dead.
I just won't be able to eat.
I'll be living on I.V. and Air!! :)
I've lived longer than most people who've had it bad.
So, I do whatever I can to make everyday a special and enjoyable day...
Most times.... that doesn't happen, but I try.
It's new for me to get back into blogging so, give me a chance to gear up.
I'll put up some quite interesting things.
I've lost touch with lots of friends over the past few years,
and gained some new ones.
I hope to have the new ones become old friends...
That doesn't always happen.
I'm living day to day.
Everyone should, to some degree.
We all were programmed by our family to:
Save for the future.
Don't burn bridges, you may need to go back.
Take care of your body, it's the only one you'll get.
Watch out! (just a general paranoid statement)
So, I've done some of the 'lessons' that we are all told to do...
What if .... it doesn't work out that way...
What if,,, you do and do and do...
and it still ends up .. stuck, hurt, broke, or in trouble.. no matter what you do!
I'm doing just great for having all these things happen to me.
I'm still breathing, still having some fun, still looking for new adventures.
I'll be ok.
Just some thoughts.
thanks for reading.

Fatso

I had a cat... up until 3-4-05
He started getting sick.
I took him to the vet.
They found out he had kidney disease.
He also had a tumor on his trachea.
I put him down when he got too weak to carry on.
I miss fatso.

coffee and commitments

My work hours have changed.
My commitments are many. Many more than usual.
My coffee intake is growing.
I'm gaining on my commitments and losing on the battle to limit my coffee intake.
Is there any other way to live?

I'm guessing .... not for me ... there isn't!

back to the old ways

I had a hectic day today...
Three things to do. Two of them at the SAME TIME!
I had the yearly 'family gathering' at my cousins house.
At the same time, I had a motorcycle bike blessing that I committed to.
So, I thought I'd get the bike blessing over with, then shoot to the family thing.
The guys I ride with were running late.. then later.. then, I just went to the
family thing.
I came back in time to make the last of the bike thingie. Not feeling at all
happy with the riders who were late, which made me late! Oh well, not everyone is me!
Then, I go to the third thing..
It's actually moral support for a few guys I know who started a rock band. Our job,
meaning.. the supporters.. is to cheer them on through a competition called
the battle of the bands.
I got there very late (11:30pm) and they were on their LAST song. Oh well, another
poor time management deal.
I did, however, get to see a friend of mine who just happens to be a 35+ yr old
woman who I've been 'in like with' for 10 yrs. I always catch her when she's either
with someone, or I'm with someone. Tonight, she had a few cocktails and was feeling
loose..
I wish things were different for her. I wouldn't mind spending a few years with
her..
I guess I'm back... in the swing of things.
It's emotional, and sometimes depressing.. just seeing someone you can't be with.
The perils of leaving the house and leaving yourself open for disappointment.
Maybe I should stay home.. it's safer :)

account of first day

Well, I am back from my first day of work in 8 months.
I'm still here! It was quite invigorating, after the initial apprehension, of course.
There wasn't much to learn before I got into the swing of things.
The new computer program, *based on Win 2000 Pro*, was a breeze to pick up.
The personnel I am managing are less than stellar but, they WILL learn my management style.
I have no regrets about coming back.

If a 'news flash' occurs cocerning my job, I'll revisit this subject.
If not, no updates will be blogged.

I feel useful again!

back at work

Today is my first day back at work since my motorcycle accident.
I'm quite apprehensive.
There are many unknowns, since I am going to a different job.
I'm not cleared to do my normal, (physically demanding) assignment.
I normally work outside. My office is my vehicle.
I like it just fine being on the road.
This job is going to have me inside. I'm not good in close quarters with "people".
I just hope my head doesn't explode from being cooped up inside an office all day.

I'll try to put my first day into words when I come home.
Wish me luck!

closing

I refinanced my home yesterday. The end of a long process which included a visit by an 'assessor'. Now, if you don't know, an assesor is some "PERSON" and I use that term loosely!!
who, determines a value on the home. He then relays his finding to the mortgage company. The mortgage company then either, qualify or disqualify your application for a loan. Well, the assessor said the bathroom needed wallcovering. Which DISQUALIFIED me for the loan, unless I did the repairs.
Some numbers here? My loan would be 50% of the value the assessor put on my house. Even if it didn't HAVE a bathroom, it's still a good risk to give someone a loan for 50% of the value! So, what's the problem? I'm in an urban area... Oh... so, high risk... hmmmm. I called the mortgage company and 'explained' how this would seem to be prejudicial, if left as is. The mortgage co. recinded the bathroom repairs and the closing proceeded... with a hitch.
The closing agent showed up. Guess what he did within 5 minutes of being there? He HAPPENED to have to use the bathroom.. Then in the end he HAPPENED to say that he was also an insurance adjuster.. hmmm what a coincidence.
Just another small annoyance in the life of an informed adult attempting to better their financial position.
If you have any doubt about banks/lending institutions being evil... I hope this story cleared it up for you.

revived

so I'm using the coffee keyboard.
I'm typing on it right now.
It works!!!!!!
Today is a little disappointing. I waited yesterday, ALL DAY, for my accountant to come and ride the Sportster, as his 'tryout' before buying it. Well, I guess his wife won out and he isn't allowed to buy it. :(
It's a beautiful day here in Northern New Jersey, and I'm relegated to indoor activities or at least 4 wheel outdoor activities. :( , due the the knee injuries.
Oh how I miss motorcycling.
My friend is in pretty bad financial shape and I think I'll be helping her out a bit. Her car is in dire need of some maintenance. I wish I could do the work myself but .. again..the knee stops me from doing it. I could easily do most of the work and save her a ton.
In other news.
My hospital borne infection seems to have gone away and the $60. pills have done their job. I still have 7 days of pills to take but that's just for 'good measure'.. as my mother used to say.
Why can't it rain! That would make me feel so much better.

coffee & keyboards

I've been computing and drinking coffee, TOGETHER, for over ten years and have never spilled anything on the keyboard.
Well, that changed two weeks ago. I did a minor 'splash' on the keyboard which caused some erratic keyboard functions. SO, I unplugged it, put in another one and kept on surfing.
Today.. I did it again! Only this time it was the WHOLE mug of coffee. Another keyboard, and more erratic windows popping up. I tried to clean and dry out the last one but it still had problems when I installed it. Why is that? Oh well, Luckily I have spare keyboards laying around.
No, I'm not going to stop drinking Coffee and Surfing!
I cleaned and am drying out the last keyboard also.. maybe this one will recover. I'll try it out later.
I hope it works. I'm running out of spares!

I just hope I don't have any more accidents before I get to buy a few more spare keyboards.

For you newbies. Don't surf and sip!
Leave that to the old pros.