Bleeding Out

Sunday night 9-8-08
I went to sleep.
Monday 3:30am I awoke with a strong urge to poop
(technical term for Bowel Movement)
SO? What do I do?
I pooped.
I looked at it.
(since everyone does, yet no one admits to it!)
It looked like a lot of blood.
Ok, so... I just blew a gasket
(technical term for bleeding.. somewhere inside)
Well, I do have Crohn's disease so maybe I just blew out a small vein.
No matter.
Went back to bed. Guts were rumbling something fierce!
I had to go again!!
Went, looked, more blood!
I got nervous. (understandably)
Back to bed, dry mouth, not feeling all that good.
Got up to get a sip of juice and could barely stand.
I thought I was going to faint.
I went back in the bathroom for round three.
Same results!
Needless to say I called an ambulance
in the Emergency Room within 10 min.
I'm not sure they believed me when I told them what I'd just experienced
until... they did some routine checks.
Blood pressure was 80/60 ! (normal 130/80 +/- 5%)
Hemoglobin: 10.3 (normal for adult males 17.0)
The staff became concerned. (me too!)
I started feeling worse and all they did was put an I.V. port in each arm.
NO, they didn't hook it to a bag of Saline. Just the ports! (I felt left out)
BP after 20 min. 70/50
They started a saline RUN! not a drip, RUN!
Then they started another in the other arm. Also running full open.
BP check. 65/47 (I was doubly concerned at this point)
I started to shake/shiver and feel cold, even with two oven heated blankets on.
Thoughts passed through my head about not tying up lose ends at home.
Who should I call. Can I call anyone with my hands shaking like this?
I remember hearing about people dying from 'bleeding out' They shake, then die.
After the two I.V. bottles were empty, Two more were put up, full speed!
I started feeling better.
When the bottles were done they checked my hemoglobin. 7.3 (again,norm: 17.0)
BP 80/60.
I beat it. I'm gonna live!
My first though when I got up?
go outside and have a cigarette.
I did.
It was glorious.
I came back,
Shuffled over to get a CT scan
CT scan showed nothing.
Admitted, poked, prodded, tested. Again and again and again.
Wednesday 9:00am. Colonoscopy.
Results. Internal Hemorrhoids. cut, tied, snipped.
Wednesday 2:00pm.
Released from the Hospital.
Having a near death experience was kind of cool.

It's been a almost four days since my critical health experience.
I can't believe I made it.
I don't understand why I lived.
I'd like to know why some live and some die.
I did not complete my mission here?
Am I destined to affect someones life?
Did I do something so horribly wrong that I have to stay in this world?

I have no answer