I've gotten my strength back to almost 90%.
I have more energy than I've had in years.
There aren't any problems with my guts so far...
The "so far" is part of my glass half empty mentality.
Soon, I will venture out connecting with people again.
Shoprite is the high light of my life. Food shopping?
Yes! A social experience you have anonymously with folks.
Young and Old, we all food shop, daytime,or night time.
Out in the real world it is much more stressful.
Once I get in the social scene, I'll feel better about life.
Usually I'd hit the coffee shop scene, then a bite to eat.
Ultimately trying to find a woman to put up with me!
I'm on my way to being a fully functioning human.
I wonder how long it'll take me to get there.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Monday, October 06, 2008
An honest reflection on my life
SO, Now that I'm over the bleeding thing..
I am into the recuperative mode.
I haven't returned to work.
I'm still not capable of doing anything for 8hrs straight.
My stamina is gone.
My muscle tone has diminished.
It happened so fast.
I'd like to go back to work. I just don't have the strength.
I'm trying to balance recuperation and building my body back up.
It's quite a slow process.
The saving grace of all this is the side show now unfolding .
The Presidential Race!!
What a show.
At this time it's degraded into muckraking and name calling.
Both sides either lie or avoid the truth by omitting some facts.
A wonderful system of webs they weave.
In an to attempt to sway simple minded voters.
I find it amusing, frustrating and depressing, all at once.
The financial market is in shambles.
Our society is hanging on to the last vestiges of a consumer driven economy.
The Mercedes Benz advertisement for the C63... $85,000.
Now, don't you think that we've had enough excess in our lives?
Just a thought.
so, back to me.
I spend my time reflecting on my life.
I had fun, had lots of pain and disappointments. As all of you have, had and will have.
I'll never be rich, never visit another continent.
Most of these, I never wanted to do!
Sick and thinking!
The problem is that my Iron levels were way low.
Since I lost so much blood, my blood count was low.
My B-12 levels... oh, you get the point!!
I went to my new Doctor, who said I have to eat liver (NO!! no!!)
That was out. next!
She said eat red meat, take iron tablets and eat salads.
I'm doing that.
Went to the Doc again today after having a blood test two days ago.
Iron level 60% of normal.. Good progress? yes. from what it was.
B-12 levels were ok too, if not a little high.
I do, however, take injections for that, so I'm cheating!
Blood count? forgot what she said. oh well... .
so, my life consists of:
going to doctor visits.
going to the food/drug store.
going for short spirited bursts of lively driving in a sports car... while in transit to the above places.
I now have the time to read ALL the news on the internet.
Follow the Downward spiral of the Stock Exchange.
Watch More Television than any normal person should.
Oh, and feel, see, and do NOTHING! absolutely nothing important.
I sit, sleep, eat, and feel the pain of every bit of food as it passes through my bad guts.
not an enjoyable experience.
I forgot...
went to the Gastrointestinal Doc too.
He said I have to think of trying a different medication.
One that blocks your immune system.
A wonderful thought!
This kind of drug helps you get Opportunistic infections.
A heartwarming thing.
T.B. as in Tuberculosis. Pneumonia. Lymphoma.
all of the good diseases.
I'm guessing that if he mentioned this drug it means that I'm on the short list of options.
Another positive in my road to recovery.
I am into the recuperative mode.
I haven't returned to work.
I'm still not capable of doing anything for 8hrs straight.
My stamina is gone.
My muscle tone has diminished.
It happened so fast.
I'd like to go back to work. I just don't have the strength.
I'm trying to balance recuperation and building my body back up.
It's quite a slow process.
The saving grace of all this is the side show now unfolding .
The Presidential Race!!
What a show.
At this time it's degraded into muckraking and name calling.
Both sides either lie or avoid the truth by omitting some facts.
A wonderful system of webs they weave.
In an to attempt to sway simple minded voters.
I find it amusing, frustrating and depressing, all at once.
The financial market is in shambles.
Our society is hanging on to the last vestiges of a consumer driven economy.
The Mercedes Benz advertisement for the C63... $85,000.
Now, don't you think that we've had enough excess in our lives?
Just a thought.
so, back to me.
I spend my time reflecting on my life.
I had fun, had lots of pain and disappointments. As all of you have, had and will have.
I'll never be rich, never visit another continent.
Most of these, I never wanted to do!
Sick and thinking!
The problem is that my Iron levels were way low.
Since I lost so much blood, my blood count was low.
My B-12 levels... oh, you get the point!!
I went to my new Doctor, who said I have to eat liver (NO!! no!!)
That was out. next!
She said eat red meat, take iron tablets and eat salads.
I'm doing that.
Went to the Doc again today after having a blood test two days ago.
Iron level 60% of normal.. Good progress? yes. from what it was.
B-12 levels were ok too, if not a little high.
I do, however, take injections for that, so I'm cheating!
Blood count? forgot what she said. oh well... .
so, my life consists of:
going to doctor visits.
going to the food/drug store.
going for short spirited bursts of lively driving in a sports car... while in transit to the above places.
I now have the time to read ALL the news on the internet.
Follow the Downward spiral of the Stock Exchange.
Watch More Television than any normal person should.
Oh, and feel, see, and do NOTHING! absolutely nothing important.
I sit, sleep, eat, and feel the pain of every bit of food as it passes through my bad guts.
not an enjoyable experience.
I forgot...
went to the Gastrointestinal Doc too.
He said I have to think of trying a different medication.
One that blocks your immune system.
A wonderful thought!
This kind of drug helps you get Opportunistic infections.
A heartwarming thing.
T.B. as in Tuberculosis. Pneumonia. Lymphoma.
all of the good diseases.
I'm guessing that if he mentioned this drug it means that I'm on the short list of options.
Another positive in my road to recovery.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Bleeding Out
Sunday night 9-8-08
I went to sleep.
Monday 3:30am I awoke with a strong urge to poop
(technical term for Bowel Movement)
SO? What do I do?
I pooped.
I looked at it.
(since everyone does, yet no one admits to it!)
It looked like a lot of blood.
Ok, so... I just blew a gasket
(technical term for bleeding.. somewhere inside)
Well, I do have Crohn's disease so maybe I just blew out a small vein.
No matter.
Went back to bed. Guts were rumbling something fierce!
I had to go again!!
Went, looked, more blood!
I got nervous. (understandably)
Back to bed, dry mouth, not feeling all that good.
Got up to get a sip of juice and could barely stand.
I thought I was going to faint.
I went back in the bathroom for round three.
Same results!
Needless to say I called an ambulance
in the Emergency Room within 10 min.
I'm not sure they believed me when I told them what I'd just experienced
until... they did some routine checks.
Blood pressure was 80/60 ! (normal 130/80 +/- 5%)
Hemoglobin: 10.3 (normal for adult males 17.0)
The staff became concerned. (me too!)
I started feeling worse and all they did was put an I.V. port in each arm.
NO, they didn't hook it to a bag of Saline. Just the ports! (I felt left out)
BP after 20 min. 70/50
They started a saline RUN! not a drip, RUN!
Then they started another in the other arm. Also running full open.
BP check. 65/47 (I was doubly concerned at this point)
I started to shake/shiver and feel cold, even with two oven heated blankets on.
Thoughts passed through my head about not tying up lose ends at home.
Who should I call. Can I call anyone with my hands shaking like this?
I remember hearing about people dying from 'bleeding out' They shake, then die.
After the two I.V. bottles were empty, Two more were put up, full speed!
I started feeling better.
When the bottles were done they checked my hemoglobin. 7.3 (again,norm: 17.0)
BP 80/60.
I beat it. I'm gonna live!
My first though when I got up?
go outside and have a cigarette.
I did.
It was glorious.
I came back,
Shuffled over to get a CT scan
CT scan showed nothing.
Admitted, poked, prodded, tested. Again and again and again.
Wednesday 9:00am. Colonoscopy.
Results. Internal Hemorrhoids. cut, tied, snipped.
Wednesday 2:00pm.
Released from the Hospital.
Having a near death experience was kind of cool.
It's been a almost four days since my critical health experience.
I can't believe I made it.
I don't understand why I lived.
I'd like to know why some live and some die.
I did not complete my mission here?
Am I destined to affect someones life?
Did I do something so horribly wrong that I have to stay in this world?
I have no answer
I went to sleep.
Monday 3:30am I awoke with a strong urge to poop
(technical term for Bowel Movement)
SO? What do I do?
I pooped.
I looked at it.
(since everyone does, yet no one admits to it!)
It looked like a lot of blood.
Ok, so... I just blew a gasket
(technical term for bleeding.. somewhere inside)
Well, I do have Crohn's disease so maybe I just blew out a small vein.
No matter.
Went back to bed. Guts were rumbling something fierce!
I had to go again!!
Went, looked, more blood!
I got nervous. (understandably)
Back to bed, dry mouth, not feeling all that good.
Got up to get a sip of juice and could barely stand.
I thought I was going to faint.
I went back in the bathroom for round three.
Same results!
Needless to say I called an ambulance
in the Emergency Room within 10 min.
I'm not sure they believed me when I told them what I'd just experienced
until... they did some routine checks.
Blood pressure was 80/60 ! (normal 130/80 +/- 5%)
Hemoglobin: 10.3 (normal for adult males 17.0)
The staff became concerned. (me too!)
I started feeling worse and all they did was put an I.V. port in each arm.
NO, they didn't hook it to a bag of Saline. Just the ports! (I felt left out)
BP after 20 min. 70/50
They started a saline RUN! not a drip, RUN!
Then they started another in the other arm. Also running full open.
BP check. 65/47 (I was doubly concerned at this point)
I started to shake/shiver and feel cold, even with two oven heated blankets on.
Thoughts passed through my head about not tying up lose ends at home.
Who should I call. Can I call anyone with my hands shaking like this?
I remember hearing about people dying from 'bleeding out' They shake, then die.
After the two I.V. bottles were empty, Two more were put up, full speed!
I started feeling better.
When the bottles were done they checked my hemoglobin. 7.3 (again,norm: 17.0)
BP 80/60.
I beat it. I'm gonna live!
My first though when I got up?
go outside and have a cigarette.
I did.
It was glorious.
I came back,
Shuffled over to get a CT scan
CT scan showed nothing.
Admitted, poked, prodded, tested. Again and again and again.
Wednesday 9:00am. Colonoscopy.
Results. Internal Hemorrhoids. cut, tied, snipped.
Wednesday 2:00pm.
Released from the Hospital.
Having a near death experience was kind of cool.
It's been a almost four days since my critical health experience.
I can't believe I made it.
I don't understand why I lived.
I'd like to know why some live and some die.
I did not complete my mission here?
Am I destined to affect someones life?
Did I do something so horribly wrong that I have to stay in this world?
I have no answer
Monday, September 01, 2008
On the Road Again
I wrote the other day about having a reprieve.
Well, I now have had an epiphany.
I needed to get out, get busy, get a thrill.
Since I feel well enough to finally motorcycle again.. after two weeks of agony.
NOT motorcycling due to gut pain, did pain me in other ways.
Today I got up the nerve to get on my Ducati and rip up the road.
The inspiration was MotoGp racing on TV. As well as AMA Superbike Racing.
I've never been one to turn down a challenge!
People have told me that after a certain age you are supposed to stop certain activities.
Well, I've never listened.
I had a great hour or so on the 999 and thoroughly thrilled myself.
I've still got the knack to use a motorcycle to near it's limit.
On another subject:
I'm still aching and having pretty intense pains in the abdomen.
I'll deal with it as needed.
about a week ago, I was ready to admit myself to the hospital.
Today, I'm going back to work and probably going to do a great job.
Until I get sick again.
Whenever that may be.
Pretty soon I'll be on vacation again.
This time I hope I'll be well enough to have real fun.
I'm from New Jersey. Isn't "on the road" part of our genetic make up?
Well, I now have had an epiphany.
I needed to get out, get busy, get a thrill.
Since I feel well enough to finally motorcycle again.. after two weeks of agony.
NOT motorcycling due to gut pain, did pain me in other ways.
Today I got up the nerve to get on my Ducati and rip up the road.
The inspiration was MotoGp racing on TV. As well as AMA Superbike Racing.
I've never been one to turn down a challenge!
People have told me that after a certain age you are supposed to stop certain activities.
Well, I've never listened.
I had a great hour or so on the 999 and thoroughly thrilled myself.
I've still got the knack to use a motorcycle to near it's limit.
On another subject:
I'm still aching and having pretty intense pains in the abdomen.
I'll deal with it as needed.
about a week ago, I was ready to admit myself to the hospital.
Today, I'm going back to work and probably going to do a great job.
Until I get sick again.
Whenever that may be.
Pretty soon I'll be on vacation again.
This time I hope I'll be well enough to have real fun.
I'm from New Jersey. Isn't "on the road" part of our genetic make up?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
a short reprieve
My last blog was a matter of fact, clinical, quite cold and depressing bunch of words.
I'd like to reflect on that.
I can't say I'm doing any better concerning the Crohn's Disease.
Other than taking a large amount of steroids and numerous other meds to stave off the effects of this 'flare up'.
I wonder why they call it a flare up?
Oh well,
I went for 7 days without solid food.
Jello, juice, tea, coffee, soda.
and I did cheat and drank some Ensure.
I did need something to keep me going!
I was on vacation for the duration. What a wonderful way to take a vacation!
Sick!
Sick has its benefits.
It gives me some down time to reflect on my life.
Things that need attention.
Loose ends that I never get around to tying up.
People that I've regained some connection with.
Due to the illness, my life had to slow down, until I recouperate.
I'm still mentoring people that I feel need and want my input.
This, by far, gives me the most satisfaction.
a feeling that I've made an impact in someones life, possibly allowing them to achieve their full potential.
Me.. however.. well, I've never reached my full potential.
I've been doing the minimum for most of my life.
Sure, most of my co-workers and friends say that I do too much, put out too much energy and try too hard to do the right thing,, the noble, caring thing.
I KNOW I can do better.
I always did know I can surpass the standards I've set.
It has nothing to do with comparing myself to others.
No one knows what makes people act the way they do, or what motivates them.
I can't even guess.
I do wonder, as I observe how they interact with others.
I only know how I see myself and how I connect in this world.
Sometimes it's woefully inadequate.
Sometimes brilliant..
If I must say so myself :)
I'd like to reflect on that.
I can't say I'm doing any better concerning the Crohn's Disease.
Other than taking a large amount of steroids and numerous other meds to stave off the effects of this 'flare up'.
I wonder why they call it a flare up?
Oh well,
I went for 7 days without solid food.
Jello, juice, tea, coffee, soda.
and I did cheat and drank some Ensure.
I did need something to keep me going!
I was on vacation for the duration. What a wonderful way to take a vacation!
Sick!
Sick has its benefits.
It gives me some down time to reflect on my life.
Things that need attention.
Loose ends that I never get around to tying up.
People that I've regained some connection with.
Due to the illness, my life had to slow down, until I recouperate.
I'm still mentoring people that I feel need and want my input.
This, by far, gives me the most satisfaction.
a feeling that I've made an impact in someones life, possibly allowing them to achieve their full potential.
Me.. however.. well, I've never reached my full potential.
I've been doing the minimum for most of my life.
Sure, most of my co-workers and friends say that I do too much, put out too much energy and try too hard to do the right thing,, the noble, caring thing.
I KNOW I can do better.
I always did know I can surpass the standards I've set.
It has nothing to do with comparing myself to others.
No one knows what makes people act the way they do, or what motivates them.
I can't even guess.
I do wonder, as I observe how they interact with others.
I only know how I see myself and how I connect in this world.
Sometimes it's woefully inadequate.
Sometimes brilliant..
If I must say so myself :)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Sickness and Death
I've had Crohn's disease for 40+ years.
When I first got it, I asked for it to go away.
With meds and careful eating habits, it did go away, for a short time.
Then, I denied having it. I went back to my old ways of eating 'real people' food.
I really didn't have the mental toughness to stick with the regiment required to keep this disease in check.
I was only 16! I had already had it for two years. I thought nothing of getting sick, then being "good", then back and forth until...
The bottom fell out.
I was admitted to the hospital.
Bad pains, bloated gut, nausea and fever. My first experience of not being in control of my own life, my own destiny.
I wasn't even in control of my bowels!!
So, the treatment for Crohn's disease is:
I.V. Fluids, high doses of steroids, antibiotics, NO FOOD, NO DRINK, NOTHING BY MOUTH. and of course, the best thing, pain meds.
So, I spent two weeks in a torturous hospital room with three other patients.
One older gent was crapping green and yellow. He didn't last long.
I don't know what the other guy had, but the brought him out a few days later.
The guy right next to me.. a blue collar , ordinary man, couldn't understand why he had to lay down..... AND pee!
He had a bad back and was in traction. Hence the always laying down order.
Since he couldn't pee lying down.. they put in a catheter.
A truly enlightening experience for a 16 yr old.
wonderful screams, horrible implements, and a confused ordinary man being tortured for his own good.
That is quite enough about Me, Crohn's and the hospital.... for now.
next blog.. soon, very soon.
When I first got it, I asked for it to go away.
With meds and careful eating habits, it did go away, for a short time.
Then, I denied having it. I went back to my old ways of eating 'real people' food.
I really didn't have the mental toughness to stick with the regiment required to keep this disease in check.
I was only 16! I had already had it for two years. I thought nothing of getting sick, then being "good", then back and forth until...
The bottom fell out.
I was admitted to the hospital.
Bad pains, bloated gut, nausea and fever. My first experience of not being in control of my own life, my own destiny.
I wasn't even in control of my bowels!!
So, the treatment for Crohn's disease is:
I.V. Fluids, high doses of steroids, antibiotics, NO FOOD, NO DRINK, NOTHING BY MOUTH. and of course, the best thing, pain meds.
So, I spent two weeks in a torturous hospital room with three other patients.
One older gent was crapping green and yellow. He didn't last long.
I don't know what the other guy had, but the brought him out a few days later.
The guy right next to me.. a blue collar , ordinary man, couldn't understand why he had to lay down..... AND pee!
He had a bad back and was in traction. Hence the always laying down order.
Since he couldn't pee lying down.. they put in a catheter.
A truly enlightening experience for a 16 yr old.
wonderful screams, horrible implements, and a confused ordinary man being tortured for his own good.
That is quite enough about Me, Crohn's and the hospital.... for now.
next blog.. soon, very soon.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
its been a long time
I was lost in a maze of internet pages and forgot all about this blogger acct.
Well, Google took over this thing and sent me an email so.. I'm back!
Lots of things happened, some good, some not so good.
I lost a LOT of money in the stock market last year..
I was a Good thing I lost it last year!
This year was even worse.
I got out of day trading just in time to watch others lose their fortune in a market made for speculators.
I am back at my regular job,
except I can't run and jump like I used to..
then again....
I'm over 50! how much should I be able to do anyway!
I lost my other cat to cancer not 4 months after 'fatso'.
They lived together since they were kittens.
I think 'nosey' was just heart broken.. so was I. :(
I have not gotten any pets since.
I find it liberating to not have to come home to feed and visit a pet that may or may not even know me..
they just know I feed them and I'm the only warm body that goes there.
I do, however, miss the greetings that pets give you,
as well as the unconditional acceptance that humans rarely if ever give.
I have a pretty common digestive disorder that sometimes causes people to die. Mostly, you just live in bouts of flare ups and remissions until you die of something else.
I'm in a 'flare up' now.
I've had 10 surgeries so far.
I'm running out of guts for them to take out.
When I do run out. it's over.
Not 'over' like dead.
I just won't be able to eat.
I'll be living on I.V. and Air!! :)
I've lived longer than most people who've had it bad.
So, I do whatever I can to make everyday a special and enjoyable day...
Most times.... that doesn't happen, but I try.
It's new for me to get back into blogging so, give me a chance to gear up.
I'll put up some quite interesting things.
I've lost touch with lots of friends over the past few years,
and gained some new ones.
I hope to have the new ones become old friends...
That doesn't always happen.
I'm living day to day.
Everyone should, to some degree.
We all were programmed by our family to:
Save for the future.
Don't burn bridges, you may need to go back.
Take care of your body, it's the only one you'll get.
Watch out! (just a general paranoid statement)
So, I've done some of the 'lessons' that we are all told to do...
What if .... it doesn't work out that way...
What if,,, you do and do and do...
and it still ends up .. stuck, hurt, broke, or in trouble.. no matter what you do!
I'm doing just great for having all these things happen to me.
I'm still breathing, still having some fun, still looking for new adventures.
I'll be ok.
Just some thoughts.
thanks for reading.
Well, Google took over this thing and sent me an email so.. I'm back!
Lots of things happened, some good, some not so good.
I lost a LOT of money in the stock market last year..
I was a Good thing I lost it last year!
This year was even worse.
I got out of day trading just in time to watch others lose their fortune in a market made for speculators.
I am back at my regular job,
except I can't run and jump like I used to..
then again....
I'm over 50! how much should I be able to do anyway!
I lost my other cat to cancer not 4 months after 'fatso'.
They lived together since they were kittens.
I think 'nosey' was just heart broken.. so was I. :(
I have not gotten any pets since.
I find it liberating to not have to come home to feed and visit a pet that may or may not even know me..
they just know I feed them and I'm the only warm body that goes there.
I do, however, miss the greetings that pets give you,
as well as the unconditional acceptance that humans rarely if ever give.
I have a pretty common digestive disorder that sometimes causes people to die. Mostly, you just live in bouts of flare ups and remissions until you die of something else.
I'm in a 'flare up' now.
I've had 10 surgeries so far.
I'm running out of guts for them to take out.
When I do run out. it's over.
Not 'over' like dead.
I just won't be able to eat.
I'll be living on I.V. and Air!! :)
I've lived longer than most people who've had it bad.
So, I do whatever I can to make everyday a special and enjoyable day...
Most times.... that doesn't happen, but I try.
It's new for me to get back into blogging so, give me a chance to gear up.
I'll put up some quite interesting things.
I've lost touch with lots of friends over the past few years,
and gained some new ones.
I hope to have the new ones become old friends...
That doesn't always happen.
I'm living day to day.
Everyone should, to some degree.
We all were programmed by our family to:
Save for the future.
Don't burn bridges, you may need to go back.
Take care of your body, it's the only one you'll get.
Watch out! (just a general paranoid statement)
So, I've done some of the 'lessons' that we are all told to do...
What if .... it doesn't work out that way...
What if,,, you do and do and do...
and it still ends up .. stuck, hurt, broke, or in trouble.. no matter what you do!
I'm doing just great for having all these things happen to me.
I'm still breathing, still having some fun, still looking for new adventures.
I'll be ok.
Just some thoughts.
thanks for reading.
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